The Road to Self-compassion
When was the last time you said something nice to yourself? Was it today or last week? Do you remember how it made you feel?
In our culture of accomplishment, competition, and achievement, we are taught to push ourselves to be better, stronger, smarter, and do more. From an early age, we are told that we can do better if we just try harder. In order to improve, we compare ourselves to peers, siblings, classmates, and total strangers to identify our shortcomings and flaws.
For some people, the messages are harsher and more overt, such as “you are not as smart as your brothers and sisters, and you are going to need to work harder,” which translates into “you are stupid.” In extreme cases, the language is abusive and dehumanizing.
Many of us internalize these messages and create a narrative about our humanity as flawed and broken. We tell ourselves messages, over and over, about how we are bad at a specific task, and if we just tried harder, we could improve. We turn those internal messages of improvement into messages of self-hate, self-loathing, and self-hurt. And in other situations, we take those messages a step further into actions of self-flagellation, and ultimately self-hurt.
While these messages are intended as motivation for self-improvement, the opposite is achieved, and many people end up questioning their self-worth. Ultimately, these messages have a damning effect on our well-being and self-compassion.
Many years ago, I became aware of my own self-destructive messages and took an active role in changing them. I was on the Stairmaster at the gym and had an aha moment while telling myself hurtful messages. I was thinking about running a marathon and telling myself that I was too fat, weak, and slow. I remember the moment I became aware of those messages, and I thought to myself, what if I actually thought, even if it wasn’t yet true, that I was lean, healthy, and fast.
This shift in thinking seemed somewhat silly. Yet I felt a sense of lightness that I hadn’t felt previously. I felt happier and confident. I remember saying that if I tell myself positive, affirming messages, it will make it easier to achieve this goal. I also remember feeling the lift of a dark cloud over me. I became aware that the negative self-talk was consuming so much of my energy and making my workouts harder. I became aware that I had the choice to change these messages, and thus, my journey to self-compassion was born.
Fast forward a few years, I completed three half marathons, was a member of a running club, and I felt a sense of accomplishment and self-love that I hadn’t felt before.
Now, I work as a leadership coach, helping people dream about a bountiful life without limitations and create plans to achieve their dreams. I love my work as a coach because people trust me and allow me to see into their hearts and souls. Some of my clients are very accomplished in their professional and personal lives yet lack self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, writes, “self-compassion involves a consistent attitude of kindness and acceptance toward ourselves as a whole*.” This idea of kindness and compassion towards ourselves is relatable because most people feel this way towards other important people in their lives such as their children, spouses, and friends. This awareness of how we treat others versus ourselves can be helpful in our own journey to self-compassion.
Through my work with clients, I often observe clients who internalize messages from their colleagues, bosses, spouses, friends, and others about not being good enough, comparing themselves to others, and not seeing their own value and goodness. In many cases, they have perpetuated a negative internal dialogue and are entirely unaware that they continue to propagate these messages and put themselves down. Their self-destructive messages remind me of my previous way of thinking about myself.
During a recent session with a client, a successful scientist at a Biotech company, I observed him telling himself negative messages. He said, “I provided my suggestions during a meeting, and they ignored my input because as an individual contributor without a team, my ideas don’t matter.” He said it quickly and continued speaking. I wrote down exactly what he said, and when he finished speaking, I asked him if he was aware of what he said. He regurgitated back most of the story but omitted the part about “my ideas don’t matter.” When I read it out to him, he denied it. I read it again and then paused for about 30 seconds so he could take it in. I watched his body move, and his expression change. He was visibly uncomfortable.
Then, he shed a tear and became emotional. I had unearthed something that was causing him pain. I asked him if he believed that his ideas didn’t matter. He went on to provide rationale about his lack of importance. I asked him about these hurtful messages, and he said that he frequently says unkind things to himself. We talked about the history of these messages from his childhood, and he shared his on-going struggle in being kind to himself.
As part of my practice, my clients often complete homework outside of our sessions. For this client, I asked him to keep a log of the number of times he said unkind things to himself and reports back in two weeks.
In our next session, he shared his log and he was shocked at how often he had been telling himself these hurtful messages. I asked him if he could change those negative messages into more affirming messages. At first, he bristled at the suggestion, and then we talked about his many accomplishments and how most of those other messages were untrue. His next homework assignment was to feed himself self-compassionate messages like “that was a great idea but not the right solution for that problem” and, in some cases where he couldn’t come up with a positive message, not saying anything at all.
We continued to meet for several months and he was excited to be shifting the internal narrative from self-hurt to self-love. As a side benefit, he became aware that the energy used to feed himself these hurtful messages was freed up for different parts of his life. Instead of belittling himself, he felt free to pursue his passion for running and writing a novel. While at times, he reverts back to his old habits, his journey towards self-compassion continues with greater energy and kindness.
For many people, the road to self-compassion begins with a realization of the negative internal narrative. We put ourselves down and are completely unaware of the damage these messages do to us. Bringing awareness to our internal dialogue is an important first step on the road to building self-compassion. The result of changing this negative narrative is self-acceptance, vitality, and greater success in all areas of life.
So the next time you say something unkind to yourself, can you notice it? Can you offer a kinder message? Can you take a step down the road to self-compassion?
*Firestone, Lisa Ph.D (2021) The Many Benefits Of Self-Compassion. Psychalive.com, accessed on 1/20/21 https://www.psychalive.org/many-benefits-of-self-compassion/