The Bittersweet End of Shelter-in-Place by Steve Disselhorst

Today begins the end of shelter-in-place (SIP) and the return to some kind of normalcy for our life. I have a four-year-old son going into pre-K and an eight-year-old daughter going into 3rd grade. Both kids have started all-day summer camps with modifications and restrictions to accommodate social distancing

I have been longing to have them return to a regular schedule and be relieved from the 24/7 duties of parenting and teaching. During SIP, the days turned into nights and then returned to days. The weekdays felt like weekends and the weekends felt like an extension of the week. We were always together, at times, getting on each other’s nerves, running out of activities to keep them occupied, and one too many zoom meetings with their teachers. I couldn’t wait to have a break and have some quiet time alone with my thoughts and a clean house.

I love my children with all my heart. They are the center of my world, but I felt so exhausted with the constant demands of being there for their every need between meals, laundry, teaching, setting up the computer, putting them to bed, and dealing with their every waking need. I felt suffocated at times and no longer felt like I had an identity outside of being a parent, a dad, a cook, a teacher, and a homemaker. I was so yearning for a sense of freedom.

Today arrived with excitement and anticipation. On Friday, the kids started to get butterflies in their stomachs. It had been so long since they had seen their friends or been around other kids. Our son was worried that other kids wouldn’t like him and our daughter was concerned that it was going to be hard for her to make friends at a six feet distance. My daughter and I did a quick role play six feet away from each other, with me pretending to be another kid at camp. We introduced ourselves and made small talk. This exercise helped alleviate her fears and reminded her of how easy it is for her to make friends.

We had a great morning getting ready with their lunches, snacks, sunscreen, and backpacks. They were excited about getting out of the house and playing with other kids. I dropped our daughter off first and she quickly went inside. She was in such a hurry to see her friends that she almost left without saying goodbye. For our son’s drop-off, there was a long line at the health and safety station where they took his temperature and asked us a series of questions. He clung to me a little longer, but after big hugs and kisses, he was on his way.

When I arrived home, I felt this huge sense of grief overcome me. I have been crying on and off for most of the day. I miss them. I miss hearing them run through the house and saying ”Papa, Papa”. I miss making their morning snack and watching them gobble it up with excitement. I miss putting my sweet son down for his nap and being there when he wakes up sweaty and disoriented. I miss their touch and tender kisses. I miss their energy, their laughs, their cries, and my connection to their spirit. I miss being around them and knowing that they are safe. I miss the afternoon outings to the beach and the park. I miss time together without the worry of a schedule.

While I had been conscious of all the hardships of parenting during SIP, I was less conscious of the joy being around the kids all day long. I now realize how much I had enjoyed the casual mornings without the stress of trying to get out the door and drive across town to arrive at school on time. We had fallen into a habit of reading in bed before the morning Zoom calls at 9 am. I loved being able to be more actively involved in their learning.

I became the de facto teacher for the mornings, I had to figure out the lesson plans and be prepared. I loved watching my daughter learn and be part of her learning. I no longer was the parent responsible for homework, I became the teacher. She looked to me for help and answers in a different way. I loved watching my son sit at the table for a minute working on his letters and then jump around for 5 minutes before getting back to his work. They were both learning and growing right in front of me.

Prior to SIP, my son had always been a slight child. He had a hard time napping at pre-school and he rarely ate his lunch. He came home tired, irritable, and difficult to console. During SIP, he slept during his naps and went to bed more easily. He ate more than I had ever seen before. He snacked endlessly. He started to grow stronger and his body filled out. He drank more milk and was always jumping on the scale to check whether he had gained more weight. Recently, when I picked him up he felt heavy and his legs had grown thick.

One of the best gifts of SIP has been the relationship that the children have developed together. Outside of paternity leaves, I have never spent this much time with the kids. And the kids have never spent this much uninterrupted time together as siblings. It has been beautiful to watch their relationship grow into such a tight bond of love and connection. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of moments of fighting but for the most part, they spent SIP playing together, building forts, playing games, drawing, watching movies, and negotiating their individual needs and desires. They have become best friends and inseparable.

The last three and a half months have been very hard and stressful in so many ways. I thought it would never end and I longed for my independence. Now, the house feels very quiet and empty. I miss the love, laughter, and spirit of my beautiful children and in some way, wish they were back at home.